How Congress Stopped The Bleeding

Uncle Sam stumbled into the halls of Congress with blood gushing from his arm. Both Republican and Democratic members quickly pointed out that they had a plan to save Uncle Sam. They rushed to media and proclaimed that the American people had sent them to Congress because they knew what needed to be done to save America; and now they were prepared to lead the way by stopping the outpouring of blood that Uncle Sam could not continue to lose and live. But in order for Congress to help Uncle Sam they agreed that they would have to pass a bill authorizing the procedure. This presented a small problem since there was disagreement among the members on the method to be used. Democrats insisted that they use a bandage to wrap Uncle Sam’s arm. This was the currently endorsed procedure that the Department of Health recommended and the one they had been using for years. The Republicans objected indicating that this method had not produced the desired results to date, and data showed that the bleeding continued in most cases. The Democrats said that only occurred if the bandage was not big enough and you just needed to use more bandage. Republicans retorted that that was always the Democratic solution: just use more bandages.

 Some of the Republicans, who were new to Congress had another plan, they demanded that to stop the bleeding you had to stop Uncle Sam’s heart. There was a ring of truth to their assertion that if you stopped the heart that would then surely stop the bleeding. However, some other Republicans warned that there might be consequences to that procedure which could come back to bite them in the ass during the next elections.  These other Republicans proposed that Uncle Sam could be saved if they agreed to give him a premium payment that they would direct to a company that he selected as a health care provider, who could then stop his bleeding.

Democrats refused to go along with this suggestion, and the various groups continued to argue with each other about how to help Uncle Sam, who was now looking much worse.

Some Democratic and Republican leaders agreed to get together to find a compromise that all sides could accept. During these discussions, someone indicated that if the bandages were used as a tourniquet then they could stop the bleeding that way, and it would not require them to stop Uncle Sam’s heart. Congress agreed and swiftly went into action. The bandages were retrieved from the emergency kit, and they wrapped them around Uncle Sam’s neck. They began to twist the tourniquet tighter and tighter. Uncle Sam’s bleeding slowed and then stopped.

Congress cheered and everyone ran off to proclaim to the media that they had stopped Uncle Sam’s bleeding, and that without their leadership thing would have going very badly for Uncle Sam.

                Bring your problems to Congress at your own risk